half crazy song!!

waah!! na-addict na ko sa "half crazy" by freestyle. I really love it!! and evidence of this is, it actually inspired me to continue one of my fics! hehe. Hopefully, I'd get more inspiration for me to finish this fic... haay..

ironic. good deed turned bad.

MY LINE HAS JUST BEEN CUT OFF. AGAIN.

This time, its really insane. Globe Network, says I have to pay 2thousand just so I could activate my phone again, so meaning, I still have tons to pay afterwards. Now, the bad thing here is this- I was actually trying to minimize my bill, and such good intentions is what led me into this mess.

I've been using UNLI, thinking that since unlimited for 5 days is only 50 pesos, and that the only people that I text are globe subscribers also, then I'm definitely saving up. So I keep on using UNLI, thinking such an act would put the bars to 800 only (that's my plan amount). Only to learn that every 50 pesos that I pay for unli is not under the 800 which we pay monthly but is added on top of it. Which is such a shame coz I barely text other people who are not using globe- meaning, I barely touched that 800. Damn.

ramblings from xmas.

At last! gumana na din ang blogger.com! Well, katatapos lang ng Christmas. It wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. Lunchtime, we were at my tita letty's place (as always), it was getting kinda boring till we decided to be "birit queens" for the day and take TONS of pictures-- and so the fun started, but then it had to be cut short (for me) coz me and my family had to leave to go to my father side's family. And so we went there hoping that we get to leave earlier so we could join my cousin Renz' 7th bday party and then maybe go to the mall with my cousins afterwards. which of course did not happen coz my other relatives took forever to arrive.. But that was okay nonetheless, it was still fun and we still tried to go to Renz' bday, even if it was already pass 9pm. Sadly, my other cousins have left already.

Now that I think about it, its probably a blessing in disguise that we didn't make it to the mall that day, coz the next day I had a really high fever for some unknown reason. So now, here I am, I've just recovered from my "sudden fever" and am bored to death.

OATH TO SELF

I would never let an opportunity pass me by again.
I need to believe in myself more, in order for me to prove something.
I can't be all so determined and then back-out all of a sudden,
I will never be anywhere if I'm always like this.
I would finish all that I would start and I will end it with grace and pride.
I have to go after what I want, no mater what.
I would do things my way and I would never again discourage myself on anything-
that I know I want to do.

My socialization would be limited only to friendship.
Anything more than that would have to wait.
If such relationship still does occur- it can NEVER trespass my priorities.
Dreams first.

I would prove myself- for my own sake and self-worth.
I would not live on what if's.

My career is going to start now
and I'm gonna be as driven as I can be to achieve my goals.
Nothing- not even myself, can stop me.

tama ba?

I didn't take part in the AB series. When I made the decision, I was a hundred percent sure of what I want. And yet, I feel like I'm about to miss out on such great opportunity and I wonder if I did the right thing.

I just told my friend that I'd like for us to stay just as friends. For weeks now, I have been so sure of that decision, and yet now that I've told him so (not in person) I feel guilty. Sad even.

Isn't it that I'm supposed to be happy of my decisions? But I'm not. The weird thing is, if I was given the chance to go back in time, faced with the same situations and circumstances, I would have still done the same things.

Cguro nga, we don't always have to like the things we do. How ironic. I did these things into thinking, I would like it. Haay..

floating

I feel weird lately.

I have no focus and have no energy on doing anything. Sobrang lazy ako, na tipong the thought of doing anything other than hanging out is quickly dismissed by my brain. Siguro may hangover pa ko ng vacation. Pero dyos ko naman, I have to get back on my feet!!

Second sem na and I'm not doing anything. Nung nakita ng parents ko ang grades ko, xmpre they are now expecting more from me. Tas yung debate series, sa december 3 na, and I have not been training AT ALL. I don't even want to join anymore. Siguro sa dials nalang ako sasali. but not in the series.

My mind is in a vacation, and I've really got to get my act together soon.

good day

Tama na ang drama! its time to write about something nice for a change. Masaya ako today. For the past few days, medyo roller coaster ang utak ko at sobrang bothered ako, kaya naman I'm glad na naging maayos ang lahat ngayon. It's so weird, ilang araw lang parang andaming ngyari. Andmi kong drama. and all of a sudden, everything is ok. Kaya naman dapat talagang maging positive sa mga bagay bagay, dahil whatever you're going through, in the end, you'll be ok. And its going to turn out to be for the better-- unless ikw mismo ayaw mo kumilos para sa ikabubuti ng sarili mo.

I believe that its part of man's nature to be there for himself and to aim for what is beneficial for him. (haha.. egoism?) Kaya nga, kapag problematic ka, if you're strong enough and if you love yourself, then all your problems would only make you a better person and lead you to a happier life.

love and friendship

Noon. Lagi kong iniisip, sobrang ideal siguro kung ang taong mamahalin mo ay kaibigan mo. Xmpre sa lahat ng moments sa life, laging may kontrabida, sabi nila, NO daw. hindi daw un advisable. When I reached college, last year lang toh ngyari, na-getz ko yung point nila. Na, depende pala sa closeness yun. Na, the closer you are, mas lalong NOT RECOMMENDED ung level na kaka-iba. Kasi, ngaung college lang naman ako nagkaroon ng mga buddies na guys. And last year ko lang na experience yung closeness na ganun without malice.

Masarap isipin, and as I've said, IDEAL talaga para sakin ung ganun eh. friends muna before anything else. Pero, mas maganda lng pala un isipin. Ah, ewan! cguro it just really depends kung sino ung tao.

Isang magandang halimbawa. I have a friend, let's call her, friendship A. And we have this other friend, c friendship B. C friendship A, in love kay friendship B. as of this moment, love pa din ni A si B, pero no idea si B. si A, trying to get over her feelings na, to the point that she's using her reason para wag na nya mahalin yung tao, but we all know that its not that simple. That will power and reason are sometimes not enough to get over a person. mahirap kasi, yung nagmamahal ka na feeling mo, parang mali na mahalin sya dahil magkaibigan kau. Kaya, TO FRIENDSHIP A-- friend, you would always love him, hindi mo na mabubura yun. Minahal mo na eh. Don't put yourself in a situation where in you pretend na unti unti ng nawawala where in fact solido pa yang feelings mo. It takes time.

puyat na naman

kaka loka. ito ang unang gabi na mag pupuyat ako for this semester- and its for LTS. akalain mo yun??

Haha, gumagawa ako ng lesson plan for Math, Science and English. Kasama na din ang pre test and post test. Odvah! Teacher-teacheran ang level ng lola mo! hehehe

pathetic heartbreak --senti mode--

I write tonight in total despair,
With misery as my only company
The nights has become too cold to bear
The mornings has become too gloomy to greet

Sleep now, is no longer my friend
It brings me no comfort; it gives me no peace
Dreams of you are now like nightmares to me
It brings no joy, no hope, no love
For darkness and regret is all that it has

Tears is all that are left with me
And I wonder how can this be?
But beggars can't be choosers
Since you've left me with nothing
But a heart that is aching in pain and in longing
--> 10/27/05

I am somebody

I am not beautiful
I am not powerful
I am not rich
I am not influential
I am not famous

But this does not bother me
Because I’m still somebody

I walk with pride
I talk with sense
I act with dignity
I see the truth
I laugh heartily
I smile sincerely

I am real.
And I am somebody.

I put up a fight
Sometimes I go with the flow
I speak out loud-
How cocky that may seem
I can kick some ass
Yet I know when to nod

With this little actions
Is it not obvious?
That I am somebody
And I am real.

--> 10/27/05

your own - poem kuno

Do you want to shout?
Do you want to curse?
Why would you want to do all this?
Are you in anger?
Are you so mad?
Do you feel that the world is against your will?

Who do you fear?
Who asks you to follow?
Is it not your decision to do the things you do?

Why are you pressured?
Is it your family that burdens you?
Is it the society that puzzles you?
Or maybe it is you
You think of what they’ll say
You think of what they’ll think
And then you blame them for every little thing

Who told you to listen?
Who told you to care?
Who made you do the things you wouldn’t dare?
Isn’t it in your hands to make it all work?
Isn’t it in your mind that the decision works?

Tell me dear friend, is it the pattern that stops you
Is the pattern that powerful?
Or are you just powerless?

-->10-27-05

lost -- poem(?)

Today is yet another day
Maybe for some but not for me
I don’t understand, why the sun has to dawn
Nor why the night has to end
And yet the darkness that I’m in seem to never stop
Ceaseless pain from the past
Unending anger bottled in my heart
How do I let this all go?
When the world keeps on moving
And still I am left
The world keeps on spinning
And I still can’t find my way
How do I act on this residing darkness?
If everything keeps on moving
And I am left without a map
I am trapped in this maze

No one would help me
For no one would help them
All the others are all too busy
Too busy to bother, too busy to care
Doing the same thing that I do
Trying to find, trying to look
For that map that would escort
To the escape from this maze
From this web of solitude
And into the haven of the light

--> 10-27-05

heartbreaking songs

isn't it that most of the beautiful songs ever written are about heartbreaks? and more or less this is because, people are more inspired when they are hurt. depressed. sad. lonely. Their emotions are at its peak. kaya naman, I'm making a list of the most hurtful lovesongs that I know (in no particular order) :

1. How can an angel break my heart by Toni Braxton
2. Why can't it be?
3. Even if by Lea Salonga
4. One last cry by Brian McKnight
5. Let me be the one by Jimmy Bondoc
6. Have you ever by S Club 7
7. Somewhere down the road by Barry Manilow
8. Let the pain remain by Side A
9. In the late of night by Toni Braxton
10. Broken vow
11. Everytime by Britney Spears
12. Steep

ayan, so kung feel mo mag senti-- pakinggan lang ang mga kantang yan, at ewan ko nalang kung di pa mag level up ang senti moments mo.

(venj, robz. these songs are especially for you. ahaha.)

no more passion.

I was at UST earlier and I saw TDC people debating at Tinoko. Grabe, puspusan ang trainings nila and even from a distance I could feel their passion for debating. Nakaka-inggit. Honestly, I want to train and I want to debate, pero sobrang tinatamad na akong mag train, wala na yung passion and I don't know why.

Last year, sobrang committed ako, coz being a debater has always been my dream and its sad that I've lost it. I was really happy with ABDP last year. I felt right at home and had a great time, pero ngaun, wala na un eh. Wala na ung org na minahal ko-- maybe this is one of the reasons why I've lost my passion. I have lost my chance with TDC coz I did not join the try-outs, and I've also lost the one org which could've molded me into being a good debater. Sobrang sayang.

psych and law

I want to have a job thatz fulfilling. something which I know I won't be doing just for the sake of money but for the sake of doing it. I want to work and know that I'm making a difference in other people's lives. This is why I have decided that since I am to be a lawyer, might as well be a human rights advocate- especially for women. But then, I know for a fact that being a lawyer is not my only dream. I mean, kaya ko lng naman naisip mag-law kc ever since, un na ang expected sakin and un na ang inexpect ko sa sarili ko. I know what I really want now. I want to be a psychiatrist- yepz. A shrink. A life coach. I want to analyze people and make sense to what the hell they are doing.

Can I do both? Should I do both??

haay

I have been talking to my friend prinz on the phone earlier today, I've mentioned or rather- babbled with my frustrations about my "other" friend. So anyway, in my last post, sobrang bitter ako about my "other" friend. I actually had this idea of just being frank with him so we can set the record straight. Up to now, the idea na makapag taray nga- is really tempting. But dahil sa paguusap namin knina, naisip isip ko, tama ako. Mind games toh. nakaka gagong mind game.

bahala xa. if he doesn't want to be friends anymore, its his lost. sana lang, wag xa maging unfair, especially with all our barkadas. Hindi nya dapat bigyan kmi ng "cold treatment". hello naman sa knya diba.

bitter!

Why do people have to be so godfucking complicated?? Why do people have to affect other people? and why the hell won't other people just start to talk?--> no, erase that. That's where all this drama is coming from.

the 'iwas' tactic is such a cliche and honestly when you're in a situation where you ARE THE ONE WHO CAUSED IT, you most definitely have NO RIGHT to be acting as such, most especially when everybody else is trying to approach you.

nakaka gago diba? at eto pa! there is no issue, and yet he just "had" to make an issue.

**yes, i know im being overly dramatic. but what the hell, bitter ako eh.**

FUCK LTS

all my quizzes both pre and post test are either 6 or 7. I just took my module 3 post test and I can say that I knew the answers to almost all of them! I was betting on getting between 8-10, since I answered with 100% certainty with most of the numbers, and then the result comes back and it would show that I only got 6. THAT IS UNBELIEVABLE! I'm getting paranoid, this whole LTS thing might pull my grades down and actually be the reason for me not to be a DL!!! ARRRRGGGGHHHH.!

unpriveleged debater =(

I'm starting to give up on my debating career. Probably because I feel that I'm under privileged- I mean come on, we have people there who have been debaters for most of their lives, those who have been debating since they were 12. And then we also have those really smart people, whose intelligence was purely God's gift. I'm an average person with a passion for debating, but I'm not sure if my passion is enough to make me one of the best.

I don't know how to sing, dance or draw. But I know how to speak, and I guess debating is the one thing I have potential on, and I really do want to make it big in that area. I'm not sure how to do that though.

byebye debut

Plans for my 18th birthday is still under deliberation. I understand the fact that we are on a tight budget, with dad's problems and the house in GSIS, there is no room for a birthday party to be squeezed in, to the budget. Which is why it is much too depressing to have no one to blame! I have planning and imagining what I want to happen on my debut for months now and the fact that it won't come true is upsetting. Yes, I know that its childish, but that's me. I easily get upset, especially when I had my hopes up.

LESSON LEARNED: Never ever give me false hope. But everybody who knows me- or at least those who are close to me already knows that.

But hey, I'm a grown-up and even if upsets me, I still do understand that life can be unfair.

pathetic!!

Wala lang. Reflecting on yesterday's senti moments, naiisip ko lang I was really pathetic, my gosh. Oh well, I've moved on- or so I say. hahaha!!! bzta no more pathetic words and feelings for me, I should be happy for him besides kung di ko tlaga carry I'd just look on the bright side... mag bebreak din sila. but in a more serious note- the bright side is, now I have a reason to stop pinning for that one person. Pero kc, the problem with me is, its not that I've really been pinning on him, but I'm using that whole 'pinning for him' thing as an excuse and as a defense mechanism for me. Lam mo na, to not let my guard down. Haay buhay, parang life. Leche.

affected

I hate myself. I can't believe I'm getting this affected over someone I barely know. Yes, it is true that I've had a crush in him for like forever, but still, I never thought of myself to be one of those girls who gets all bummed up when someone they like is apparently with someone else. My philosophy on such things has always been - "crush LANG yan, no biggie." but then this happens. I think I may have been pinning for him for far too long.

My brain is actually screaming at me right now, for being affected this much, since that person and I have now been a stranger to each other. But then my logic wouldn't take away what I feel. I don't even know what to call it, all I know is that I feel a lump on my throat that I can't seem to remove. Maye I'm just really blinded by him. Maybe I'm affected not really by him but the image of him that I've got so perfectly in my imagination. - Damn, I hate my senti moments.

just words

I'm still a member of the parliament, and I really do enjoy it. Before I wanted to join tdc, but now I've learned that I can't really be active in both. Though I know that more opportunities maybe be given to me if I join, I don't think I can sacrifice my loyalty to the parliament.

Anyways, I'm about to go to training in a few minutes. I can't say that I've improved since in my own opinion I think I got worse. My set-up has becom all crappy and it really stinks. And I also really hate the fact that after I've given my speech, that's the only time that I see where I should have focused on and all that stuff. Hopefully, I'd morph! I don't want to let my team mates down, most especially on Sunday - (2 last rounds for dials). Oh well. Wish me luck! =)