friends 1, 2 and 3 ...

To say that I’m confused is the understatement of the century. To say that I’m afraid is perhaps a statement too obvious that it shouldn’t even be mentioned.

Its been a crazy week for me. With the pressure from the academes, the org and the ones I have self inflicted. I would say its been a bumpy week. But lets not get into all the things which I loathe over the last few days. Lets focus on an issue which I still am carrying to this very moment. With all the things I had to do the last few days, I barely had anytime to talk to anyone about this thing. Luckily, last thursday, my highschool buddy and I met up and I gave her a brief summary of this particular issue. Lets call my friend as friend 1.

Friend 1 is one of my best buddies back in high school. She’s about as cynical as anyone could be about love. She views it in the most liberated way possible, and because of too many experiences (actual and vicarious) she has become cold in that area. She’s more of being - practical and just have loads of fun with people. I told friend 1 that my initial assessment of myself is that I’m just going through a phase. Since, I admittedly am possessive by nature. It’s like having this dress in your closet which you’d never really wear but you wouldn’t give to anyone else. It’s kind of like that. Knowing her. She agreed with me.

Later that day, I couldn't help myself so I talked to friend 2. Friend 2 tells me that there may be two possible reasons for my distress. First, I just lost the assurance of being loved and all that shit, that now I’m looking for it, just because I lost it. Or, I may actually love that certain person and that I just couldn’t accept it. My friend preferred the latter. Knowing that this friend of mine is “in love with love” I decided that friend 2 may not be the best person to talk about such things. And so I went to friend number 3.


Friend 3 is perhaps the one closest to my personality. When it comes to matters of the heart, we both try to rationalize things, we are both cynic- having heard and seen a bit too many of “relationships” and at the same time we are both idealist. Cynical and Idealistic. Yep, we are indeed, THAT weird. My friend came to a hypothesis (at first she was already concluding. But I detest the term so she changed the term), she thinks that I may already like the person and I just don’t want to admit it. But of course, she also tells me that I have to be sure that I’m feeling this not for the wrong reasons.

Honestly. There’s this big probability that I just don’t want to accept it. But I may also be going through some kind of possessive phase. My has changed A LOT in such a short span of time regarding this matter. And I don’t want to rush into anything.

But if ever it turns out that I do really like him. I have another problem coming. I’m not sure if its worth it. That person, in fairness to him, is an okay guy. Him per se is kinda worth it. But him and me? It’s a big question (?) mark.

I said that me being confused is perhaps the understatement of the century. Why? Coz just a few weeks ago, I was 100% sure, that I don’t want anything like this. Coz a few weeks ago, I was absolutely and positively sure that putting on the red light is the best thing to do.