I am finally over my ever dramatic mood. My bitterness, blues and worries has all gone away! Which makes me ecstatic.
First on my "oh so confused mind"- with regards to all that stuff on love. It has dawn on me that my first decision is truly for the best and though I may have had confused emotions a few days ago, today I have found clarity. No regrets, just the plain red light.
Second on my "self pity" going on with regards to my debating career. Well, I'm finally over it. My time will come and I did realize that I still have tons of room for improvement and that I have not done my best effort to help myself develop. Which is why, I have told myself its just a matter of will. If I have enough of that will to get me going and to make me improve then in the end I'd get what I deserve.
Thirdly, on my problematic "loosing myself" scenario, where in I felt like I'm not being myself and that I felt so lost. Well, now I'm back on my game. I know my goals and I'm ready to take them.
Life is soo sweet and soo good. I'm just glad that I finally got my mind all cleared up and I'm not confused and wasted anymore.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Monday, February 19, 2007
pink overload
I'm in pink.
Pink bag. Pink bracelet. Pink earings. Pink pendant. Pink undies.
This is my version of a therapy.
Yesterday I have participated on my *very first* debate competition for this school year. Unfortunately we were not able to break.
In all honesty I know for a fact that I was not compeletly ready, but I also knew that we had a good chance. We did our best that day and I would say that my team mates and I improved more and more. That's what upsets me the most. Knowing that we CAN do it but we didn't (no pun intended). I am not undermining other teams nor am I saying that the adjudication is unfair, but I really believe that we deserved to break. I am trying to forget about this whole thing but I can't. Not because I'm a sour loser but because this made me think - am I good enough? Good enough in the sense that, have I improved at all? am I even good? do I even have the slightest potential? is it too late for me to pursue this?
They said before that I had the potential. Back then I believed them, but then time drag on and my potential remained in potency. I'm not sure if I still have that potential.
I'm thinking of joining TDC. Back in highschool, I have already told myself that when I reach college I'm gonna debate. I even searched through the orgs of UST to see if they have an organization for debating! And then when I reached my freshman year, I decided I wanted to learn the basics first so as to be somehow presentable when I try-out for TDC. And now I'm in second year, going to my third year and I have so many regrets that keep flashing back to me.
What happened yesterday threw all my regrets from the past back to my face.
And so I'm wearing pink. ... now I think I need a sundae.
Pink bag. Pink bracelet. Pink earings. Pink pendant. Pink undies.
This is my version of a therapy.
Yesterday I have participated on my *very first* debate competition for this school year. Unfortunately we were not able to break.
In all honesty I know for a fact that I was not compeletly ready, but I also knew that we had a good chance. We did our best that day and I would say that my team mates and I improved more and more. That's what upsets me the most. Knowing that we CAN do it but we didn't (no pun intended). I am not undermining other teams nor am I saying that the adjudication is unfair, but I really believe that we deserved to break. I am trying to forget about this whole thing but I can't. Not because I'm a sour loser but because this made me think - am I good enough? Good enough in the sense that, have I improved at all? am I even good? do I even have the slightest potential? is it too late for me to pursue this?
They said before that I had the potential. Back then I believed them, but then time drag on and my potential remained in potency. I'm not sure if I still have that potential.
I'm thinking of joining TDC. Back in highschool, I have already told myself that when I reach college I'm gonna debate. I even searched through the orgs of UST to see if they have an organization for debating! And then when I reached my freshman year, I decided I wanted to learn the basics first so as to be somehow presentable when I try-out for TDC. And now I'm in second year, going to my third year and I have so many regrets that keep flashing back to me.
What happened yesterday threw all my regrets from the past back to my face.
And so I'm wearing pink. ... now I think I need a sundae.
Saturday, February 03, 2007
friends 1, 2 and 3 ...
To say that I’m confused is the understatement of the century. To say that I’m afraid is perhaps a statement too obvious that it shouldn’t even be mentioned.
Its been a crazy week for me. With the pressure from the academes, the org and the ones I have self inflicted. I would say its been a bumpy week. But lets not get into all the things which I loathe over the last few days. Lets focus on an issue which I still am carrying to this very moment. With all the things I had to do the last few days, I barely had anytime to talk to anyone about this thing. Luckily, last thursday, my highschool buddy and I met up and I gave her a brief summary of this particular issue. Lets call my friend as friend 1.
Friend 1 is one of my best buddies back in high school. She’s about as cynical as anyone could be about love. She views it in the most liberated way possible, and because of too many experiences (actual and vicarious) she has become cold in that area. She’s more of being - practical and just have loads of fun with people. I told friend 1 that my initial assessment of myself is that I’m just going through a phase. Since, I admittedly am possessive by nature. It’s like having this dress in your closet which you’d never really wear but you wouldn’t give to anyone else. It’s kind of like that. Knowing her. She agreed with me.
Later that day, I couldn't help myself so I talked to friend 2. Friend 2 tells me that there may be two possible reasons for my distress. First, I just lost the assurance of being loved and all that shit, that now I’m looking for it, just because I lost it. Or, I may actually love that certain person and that I just couldn’t accept it. My friend preferred the latter. Knowing that this friend of mine is “in love with love” I decided that friend 2 may not be the best person to talk about such things. And so I went to friend number 3.
Friend 3 is perhaps the one closest to my personality. When it comes to matters of the heart, we both try to rationalize things, we are both cynic- having heard and seen a bit too many of “relationships” and at the same time we are both idealist. Cynical and Idealistic. Yep, we are indeed, THAT weird. My friend came to a hypothesis (at first she was already concluding. But I detest the term so she changed the term), she thinks that I may already like the person and I just don’t want to admit it. But of course, she also tells me that I have to be sure that I’m feeling this not for the wrong reasons.
Honestly. There’s this big probability that I just don’t want to accept it. But I may also be going through some kind of possessive phase. My has changed A LOT in such a short span of time regarding this matter. And I don’t want to rush into anything.
But if ever it turns out that I do really like him. I have another problem coming. I’m not sure if its worth it. That person, in fairness to him, is an okay guy. Him per se is kinda worth it. But him and me? It’s a big question (?) mark.
I said that me being confused is perhaps the understatement of the century. Why? Coz just a few weeks ago, I was 100% sure, that I don’t want anything like this. Coz a few weeks ago, I was absolutely and positively sure that putting on the red light is the best thing to do.
Its been a crazy week for me. With the pressure from the academes, the org and the ones I have self inflicted. I would say its been a bumpy week. But lets not get into all the things which I loathe over the last few days. Lets focus on an issue which I still am carrying to this very moment. With all the things I had to do the last few days, I barely had anytime to talk to anyone about this thing. Luckily, last thursday, my highschool buddy and I met up and I gave her a brief summary of this particular issue. Lets call my friend as friend 1.
Friend 1 is one of my best buddies back in high school. She’s about as cynical as anyone could be about love. She views it in the most liberated way possible, and because of too many experiences (actual and vicarious) she has become cold in that area. She’s more of being - practical and just have loads of fun with people. I told friend 1 that my initial assessment of myself is that I’m just going through a phase. Since, I admittedly am possessive by nature. It’s like having this dress in your closet which you’d never really wear but you wouldn’t give to anyone else. It’s kind of like that. Knowing her. She agreed with me.
Later that day, I couldn't help myself so I talked to friend 2. Friend 2 tells me that there may be two possible reasons for my distress. First, I just lost the assurance of being loved and all that shit, that now I’m looking for it, just because I lost it. Or, I may actually love that certain person and that I just couldn’t accept it. My friend preferred the latter. Knowing that this friend of mine is “in love with love” I decided that friend 2 may not be the best person to talk about such things. And so I went to friend number 3.
Friend 3 is perhaps the one closest to my personality. When it comes to matters of the heart, we both try to rationalize things, we are both cynic- having heard and seen a bit too many of “relationships” and at the same time we are both idealist. Cynical and Idealistic. Yep, we are indeed, THAT weird. My friend came to a hypothesis (at first she was already concluding. But I detest the term so she changed the term), she thinks that I may already like the person and I just don’t want to admit it. But of course, she also tells me that I have to be sure that I’m feeling this not for the wrong reasons.
Honestly. There’s this big probability that I just don’t want to accept it. But I may also be going through some kind of possessive phase. My has changed A LOT in such a short span of time regarding this matter. And I don’t want to rush into anything.
But if ever it turns out that I do really like him. I have another problem coming. I’m not sure if its worth it. That person, in fairness to him, is an okay guy. Him per se is kinda worth it. But him and me? It’s a big question (?) mark.
I said that me being confused is perhaps the understatement of the century. Why? Coz just a few weeks ago, I was 100% sure, that I don’t want anything like this. Coz a few weeks ago, I was absolutely and positively sure that putting on the red light is the best thing to do.
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